Does It Scare You?

I might've wrote about this before but I have a feeling that it must've been ages ago if I did.

So basically my question to you is, Does it scare you? The future? Because I am terrified.

I don't normally think about what is to happen or what is in store because thinking about it  makes my head hurt. But it's just that the other day I was talking to a friend of mine and I realized how things change in an instant. We might think it takes a shittonne of time for things to change because as we live day by day everything stays the same for the most part but as we look back a month or a year we see how different everything is. People leave, things change, new people come into your life.

I'd like to point out all the things that have changed in my life recently. (Or the last 3 years)

Just about a month ago I decided to text this said friend because this other friend set it up. And well now we talk without fail almost everyday late into the night. It's nothing romantic or anything like that as of now and I doubt it will ever be but after my exams are over, we're going out to this outing thing. It'll be just us two and I think it'll be a lot of fun. It's not a date. Just a day out to get along better if that makes sense. Anyway my point is, a year ago, I'd have never thought I'd be going on a day out with someone I started talking to just a month ago.

About 3 months ago, in January, I turned 16.

About 6 months ago, I ended the first serious relationship I had. I thought then that it would take a lot of time to get over but I did and now I love myself even more and maybe I have a few other prospects in hand as well.

7 months ago, this senior of mine (she's dope btw) introduced me to  all things Korean and now here I am fangirling over k-pop groups and watching Korean dramas with my mum. I even started leaning the language because my dad thinks it'll be good for my resume. The day she introduced me to this, I was basically really confused and in awe as to how she tells them apart hahaha but as I got used to it, I could tell them apart as easily as she could. I discovered new groups, new dramas, a whole new culture. Just 7 months ago and it is a part of me now.

About a year ago, I started veinsofstardust, my writing page on Instagram. I never thought it'll be such a success. I have grown because of it. I think more creatively, I word my thoughts more eloquently.

Last year in January, I became friends with Sabrina. And it's an understatement to say that our friendship is stronger than a lot of friendships that have lasted years. She was the one who made me realize that love doesn't see how long, it sees how. It sees in what way. I love her to bits. She is crazy and little and she has been a rock for the past year for me. I can't explain what she means to me, but she knows what I feel and I wish she wasn't moving to the states this summer. It feels like a piece of me would leave as well. After Smera and Aalya, she is the person I believe will be there for the rest of my life.

2015 in general was a huge change for me. New people, new challenges. I used to feel sorry before that I cut myself off from my previous friends because of a couple of people but really, now I realize I shouldn't feel that way. I got what I deserved. I got the love that was due to me. Just the other day I was talking to one of my friends from before and she said something that touched me alot. She said I had nothing to apologize for. I did what was right for me. I found the people that I needed all my life and that she felt truly happy seeing my at my happiest with the new people that have come into my life.

Side note: Aalya, thank you for existing. You made everything so much better for me. You're always my second, you know what I mean.

2014 or the year I found my inner strength and learned not to rely on people was a stepping stone as to who I am now. I wont revisit it but it shaped me into the carefree and non judgmental person I am today. This was also the year I got my first medals in track events.

That's it for now I guess

Well I mean I didn't plan on writing this post when I woke up this morning. But the weather changed and it feels like it's about to rain and my mind works different in this kind of weather.

So my point is even though the changes I mentioned aren't huge or significant. It's not like I picked up my life and moved countries but the truth is, without us knowing, these little things shape us. These little things change our perspective. Over time we see that those little things all together is what makes you, you.

And as I said, day by day I didn't see a change in me but now that I look back on the last three years, on the changes that I listed and the ones I'd rather keep to myself, I feel like I'm this person I never imagined I could be. And that scares me. If three years can change me, what will the next 30 have in store? Well I really don't know what I'm expecting. I just hope that the years to come have lessons and happiness. Sad times will come too, I know. But I hope they make the good times even sweeter.

I feel really light now. Thank you for reading this pointless rant of mine. I'm sorry if this was boring and I thank you if you thought it was worth reading. This blog means alot to me still even though I don't use it too often now. All the people, whether it be three or three hundred that read my posts.. thank you. I can not imagine not having this free safe space now that I've grown used to it. August 30, 2016 was our second anniversary. I'm thankful to my eighth grade self for creating this.

Does it scare me? Not knowing what is to come? You bet it does but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Till next time, this is me, Shreya Seth, signing off.


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